I’ve always found that some amount of personalization in a ritual creates the strongest results when working by yourself. While The Letter Method has been the go to for new practitioners in this sphere (which is probably most of you), the main reason that this has been the case is because there aren’t easy to understand alternatives and most of us don’t do other rituals. Even my Lover’s Light is basic in retrospect, though it works just fine. I’ll have to go and update that post in the future.
A personalized ritual is basically a ritual that you have a personal stake in. That stake is usually in the form of your own creativity during the performance of the ritual, and any effort spent designing the ritual, whether through research or creatively. How do you go about doing that? Throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks isn’t a very efficient approach, and if you throw out everything to make way for your own ideas, you’ll be shooting yourself in the foot.
In this blogpost, I want to talk about designing your own ritual to attract a spirit lover. I see this blogpost as a bit of a test based on all the things I’ve learned so far, and will likely update it in the future as my experience grows further. You’ll be able to pull on this knowledge to make your own, personalized ritual to start your relationship. If the idea of releasing fluids over a letter and burning it is a turn off, this is the post for you.
Defining What We’re Actually Doing
The first step in concocting any ritual is figuring out what we actually want to make happen. We need to be as specific as possible, so that the ritual is as appropriate as possible. If we wanted to do a prosperity ritual, for example, then while we could just do a ritual for broad prosperity, we would want to focus on a specific aspect of prosperity if we had an end goal in mind. That helps us design a ritual that’s more appropriate for what we’re doing.
Despite the title of the blogpost, we aren’t summoning a spirit lover, succubus, fairy lover, whatever. We are actually attracting a spirit lover that would be an appropriate match for us. While this difference might seem like semantics, this means our goal is more about putting ourself out there for a spirit to respond to, rather than bringing a spirit to us by our command or request for whatever reason. This would be our first goal.
If instead we are asking a ‘higher power’ to put us into contact with a spirit lover (i.e. We ask Lilith to hook us up with one of her daughters), we are petitioning that power to make that happen. This isn’t the idea I’m going to go with for this blogpost, but if you enjoy working with and have a history with a specific named entity like Lilith then this approach would look different than what we’re doing here. In that case whether you get a spirit lover or not would be up to what we’d call Lilith. This approach is genuinely great if you have a working relationship with the ‘higher power’ in question.
Our second goal is to form an initial relationship with the spirit that responds. Specifically, we want to start some sort of appropriate romantic bond with the spirit. This is another area you could differentiate the ritual if you were instead looking for something short term for example. This helps further define the idea. Note that an appropriate romantic bond here is more akin to ‘early dating’ not ‘marriage’.
The third goal is actually something that I’m adding on to these rituals. A lot of people who are just getting into magical and spirit work attempt to attract a spirit lover and aren’t sure when the ritual has worked. So I think it’s fair to add Receiving a Sign to the ritual intent here. I suppose that if you’re lucky or determined this could be aimed at conjuring the spirit lover (which can mean to make them visibly manifest, or can mean making use of a tool like a mirror, crystal, etc. to see them. Always good to have multiple options for them to use as well), but realistically anything or any collection of things that we recognize as a clear sign will do.
So, to summarize, we want to do the following
1A. Attract a Spirit Lover that would be an appropriate match for us. This is something The Lover’s Light is designed around doing. This should be most peoples’ approach.
1B. Alternatively, we are Petitioning some power to connect us to a spirit lover that is connected and ‘subservient’ to that power. So typically that would be something like ‘Lilith hooking us up with one of her daughters’. This approach has been used for familiars and other spiritual bonds, such as Jason Miller’s case with one of Hekate’s Lampades.
2. Form an Initial Romantic Bond with the spirit that answers or is given to us, if the match is appropriate. Emphasis on ‘initial’. This isn’t marriage.
3. Receive a Sign that we will recognize that this has worked. From visual manifestation to squeaking dog toys. I think it’s best to leave the kind of sign we receive here up in the air. As a result the spirit lover can interact with you in whichever way is easiest for it. The sign doesn’t necessarily have to happen during the ritual either.
Now that we’ve figured out what we’re going to do, we can talk about how we might want to do it.
Designing the Ritual: The Other Ws
So, we’ve decided we want to attract a spirit lover and explore forming a relationship with one. We’d also like to receive some sort of sign when we do so. How might we want to design the ritual?
The easiest way to go about this is to answer the other W questions. We’ve already determined why we’re doing the ritual. We should use this information to determine when we’re doing it and what exactly we’re doing.
We also have to determine where we’re doing it, but unless you want to make use of a specific location you know about, this mostly comes down to a place that’s as comfortable and spacious as you need it to be, and that is private. There are reasons for choosing a specific location, especially if you’re working with a certain named entity for the ritual, but those reasons are something for you to determine on a personal level and therefore I’ll assume you, like most people, are just doing it at home.
The who is you, since you’re the person doing the ritual. Do not outsource a ritual like this. It’s a good way to get scammed and even if the salesman is honest, getting someone else to do a ritual like this for you isn’t appropriate. You wouldn’t pay someone a hundred bucks to go on dates for you and send any good ones to your front door. Or at least I hope you wouldn’t.
Who can also be about whether you make this a group ritual or not. I don’t really get the idea that you’re likely to find several other people who also want to partake in this ritual with you, but there isn’t a reason this couldn’t be a group ritual if you had a bunch of friends that wanted to attract a spirit lover as well (or perhaps all really wanted to help you do it for some reason). I don’t think that strikes many peoples’ fancy since this kind of ritual is usually seen as more private.
The most important aspect of the who question is self understanding and examination. If you are a person that suffers from mental illness and may experience delusions or psychosis, you really need to know that and keep that in mind when doing this if you follow through. This is true of all spirituality and magick, but it is especially true of spirit-work.
To be frank, if you do have mental issues that can cause delusions, psychosis, etc. You should probably avoid spirit-work entirely and be very cautious about the sorts of magickal activities you get up to, if you engage in any at all. It is extremely difficult and for some people impossible to do these things safely when suffering from certain types of mental illness. If you don’t know if you suffer or don’t suffer from these kinds of issues, it’s worth seeing a professional and figuring that out before you heavily engage with spirituality. It is much better to find out that way than in hindsight.
Let’s go ahead and knock out the when. There are times that are good for doing rituals that are concerned with romance and starting new relationships. Friday is associated with Venus so that’s an obvious pick. A Waxing Moon or New Moon is good for starting and growing a new relationship(not to be confused with a Dark Moon). I’d probably be looking at times near or on Beltane (May 1st) if I was looking to time it around a holiday. The associations I think of for this are all falling into that ‘romance/fertility/new relationships’ sphere of influence. If you have other ideas, you can choose other things instead.
As for the time of day, mythological tradition points to the Witching Hour (3-4 AM) as the ‘time the veil is thinnest’, which I’d figure could give you more bang for your buck to get a ‘sign’. It also may be easier for some people to perform the ritual well if they sleep and wake up to do it in the middle of their sleep cycle, which works with that timing. Keep in mind that sleep deprivation can lead to hallucination, so don’t do this if you’re already a poor sleeper.
Alternatively, sunrise for the other reasons we’ve already outlined about the date choice. There are also the planetary hours, which you can combine with the day to get an X of Y, or something like a Venus of Venus (or other, more creative combinations that strike your fancy).
You could also just ignore all of this and do it whenever is most convenient. If you’re living with someone who has to be gone before you attempt this, this is probably your best option. Timing doesn’t have to play a crucial role, but any extra effort and planning you put into the ritual will lead to a stronger result. Cutting corners with the timing is fine, but if you cut them with the timing, the ritual process, and everything else, don’t expect fireworks.
Convenience does have the key advantage of ensuring you perform the ritual when you feel ready to do so. That means you don’t have to worry about mood swings, sleep deprivation, or other life things and can do the ritual when you are unbothered or less bothered than usual. When choosing convenience for this reason it is appropriate. Just don’t let convenience be a stand-in for laziness.
The what is the most freeform aspect, and the one I will give you the least direction about. Instead, I’ll talk about different components you may want to think about.
A Cleansing: It’s probably a good idea to cleanse yourself and the space you’re working within at the start. I’d also clean up later, but not immediately after the ritual. While I’m not of the opinion that a banishing will force away spirits you’re willing to keep within your space, how true this is for a spirit you’ve just met is up for debate. If it were me, I’d do this with the LBRP (Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram), because that’s what I’m used to. You can also just use sage, a sound cleansing, or whatever else you fancy.
A Circle: I’d probably work in a circle for this if I were going to do this today. I’d draw it clockwise as you’re bringing in a new relationship (and spirit) into your life. You can use a tool to make sure your circle is actually circular, and draw it without lifting up the chalk or whatever writing tool you used to make it. You don’t have to make the circle with a writing implement either, so if you want to make a circle out of several tea candles or something feel free. Just ensure it’s big enough to work within comfortably.
Pro-tip: if you don’t want to get temporary flooring or draw with chalk over your (or your landlord’s) nice floors, a circular rug is a great way to have a circle to work within. You don’t need to get some fancy occult looking rug if you go this route, unless you have a use for the specific design. The rug can also be easily re-used, and unless it’s one of those aforementioned occult rugs your family and friends aren’t likely to think twice about it.
Once you’re ready to start working, you can cast the circle from inside it. There’s some fun ways to step into the circle, but since you’re casting it from the inside and uncasting it when you’re done you don’t need to worry about that. If you’re going to cast while walking the circle also do it clockwise (and the reverse when you’re uncasting).
Quarter Calls: For those of you not in the know, A quarter call is a ritual step where we call the four elements (or whatever else we may use as quarters) to be present in our circle, mark it as a sacred space, and empower our magick.
We start stepping into a more creative area here. Some books definitely have more traditional quarter calls, such as with the four kings, archangels, or whatever. You can use those if you like them, though do remember when you’re thinking of which flavor you prefer that we’re doing a ‘friendly’ ritual here.
I’ve learned to do these in the moment based on what ritual I’m doing. So for a ritual like this, if I was calling to fire, the things I’d be asking ‘Fire’ to help me with would be related to the ritual. For example, I might say something like ‘fire, inflame my passions and allowing me to shine brightly so that spirits yearning for my love can easily see me’. To me that would be useful for what we’re doing here.
If you do it in this way, don’t script the quarter calls in advance, go with your gut in the moment. You can have a looser idea for the type of thing you want to say.
Depending on the system you use, different things will be in different quarters, and you can actually vary which way is which depending on your geographic location (if you live near an ocean, for example, you might feel a calling to slap water in that direction even if it’s non traditional). If you’re doing the ‘normal’ directions though, then East is Air, West is Water, South is Fire, and North is Earth. There are compass apps for your phone, so you have no reason not to know which way is which.
Designing The Ritual: Your Canvas
The Ritual Proper: While all of the above steps are part of the ritual, the rest of the ritual after the quarter calls is very much up to you. Do you like the Letter Method? You can surely make use of the letter writing technique here. Enjoy my weird tarot card Lover’s Light ritual? Something based on that would fit here too.
Since these exist and are known with people that read this blog, I think the best way for you to understand the kinds of things you might be looking for is to examine these rituals a little bit. The Letter Method has you use the letter writing technique to whip yourself into a passionate frenzy, before releasing your fluids onto it and burning it. We know ‘burning’ is obviously fire and reflects that idea of attraction and a ‘beacon’ well. Sexuality, which is naturally a present idea when engaging in ‘self-stimulation’, is related to that idea and also the romantic goal of the ritual.
It’s also an exhibitory technique, helping push you in the same direction as the frenzied writing. The meditative aspect is a focusing piece, though in retrospect meditation isn’t a huge part of the ritual. It is a useful part after you burn the letter to allow you to become more open to interaction. The Conjuring processes described in Miller’s Consorting With Spirits leave time open to receive and interact with the spirit, and those rituals go back and forth between the conjuring and the interaction for up to an hour. The idea here is similar, though you naturally don’t go back and forth with the typical Letter ritual.
The Lover’s Light hones more into that idea of being a beacon mentally. You build up strong hopes, passion, and emotion using cards to represent different aspects of those things. You also intentionally include aspects in that ritual that define what you’re bringing to the table, which given the idea is to attract a spirit lover is helpful. The shouting is meant to release that energy outward and ‘light the beacon’ so to speak. This ritual is more advanced since visualization is such a large part of it, but as a result a lot of other things are easier. In retrospect I’d be adding more onto the ritual today if/when I made it again. I’d at least include a circle to work within, quarter calls, and a cleansing. The actual idea behind it is good, but it’s also a little unintuitive and simple.
So, here’s what we can take away from this
1. We can include a component meant to help us focus as we get into it. Both rituals include a meditation, though in both cases the meditation isn’t where we focus our power as much as a way to prepare for what comes next. We could use more inhibitory techniques and make the meditation a more key piece of what we are doing if we so chose.
2. We see with the writing method and visualization method that passionate intensity is a key part of these rituals. So if you’re making a ritual and want to attract a spirit lover in this kind of way, passionate intensity is important.
3. We know new romance is central to the ritual, so any additional pieces we add that bring that feeling and thought to mind is helpful. Music to set the stage, decorations to bring the idea and vibe to mind, incenses with smells that are pleasing to this goal, relevant or self designed sigils, and so on.
4. We want the spirit to be able to interact with us in some way, so including a section after the whole ‘lighting the beacon’ idea where we are open to interaction by a prospective spirit lover is useful. This can be simple meditation, but could go as far as including items that are used in more typical (friendly) conjurations, if you’re hoping they show up in a mirror or something. Other techniques could also be used outside of these. ‘if X happens, it means the spirit lover has arrived and consented to form an initial bond’. X is up to you, and can encompass a lot of things. If you do this, X should be set in advance, not in hindsight.
5. If you want, you could include a step here that formally forms the initial bond between the two of you, if one responds. This isn’t included in the other rituals, so try whatever seems appropriate to you. This also gives you the opportunity to reject the spirit that responds if for whatever reason the vibe is way off. Don’t just reject them because you’re feeling fear about the whole ‘working with spirits and finding a spirit lover’ thing. It would be rude and would probably hamper your ability to find a spirit lover if you do it again.
6. If instead you did something that was more akin to a petition, this would be where you could include an offering to the spirit that helped you out. You can also do that later, depending on the terms you’ve offered said spirit.
7. Cleanup. When you’re done, remember to dismiss the quarters (in the opposite order) and uncast the circle (counter-clockwise). You can also do another cleansing here if you think it’s appropriate. In any case clean up in the mundane sense too. You don’t want your ritual turning into a kitchen disaster because you’re too lazy to clean up after yourself. Naturally, if there’s something you’re leaving there after the ritual for a specific reason, you don’t need to clean that up.
There are a ton of ways you can express these ideas, and there are other ideas you could work in as well. Find what speaks to you and work that in there, and see how it goes. Magick isn’t just book-reading, it’s as much experimentation as anything.
Congratulations! You made and performed your own ritual to attract a spirit lover. Now to talk about troubleshooting and conclude.
When Things Don’t go to Plan
So you attempted a ritual, and nothing happened. Despite how much of a failure you may think you are, when working with spirits, especially spirits you don’t yet know, that’s not an uncommon outcome. People fail all the time, even when experienced. That does not mean you’re a bad magician, sorcerer, or witch, or that there’s no spirit lover that would ever be interested in you.
Did you learn anything from the attempt? Maybe a part of the ritual felt like a good idea but fell flat when performing it. Maybe your location felt uncomfortable. Maybe your timing wasn’t appropriate, either because you did it early in the morning and were dead tired, or decided you didn’t care that the moon was waning. Maybe you didn’t understand your real ‘why’ or intent behind the ritual. Maybe you did nothing wrong and were unlucky.
Write down what you did and what happened when you did it in exacting detail. Reflect on how things felt. Figure out what served you well and what didn’t. Look for ways you can improve and things you feel you should change. Does that mean these things are why the ritual failed? Maybe, maybe not. If you’re going in for round 2, it’s best to improve anything you can.
Intent is the biggest area to reflect on, especially if everything else seemed correct. Are you being honest with yourself? Maybe you really do want a spirit lover relationship. Maybe instead you want an experience with a spirit. Maybe you just feel lonely and are desperately looking for anything else to fill the hole. Maybe you’re actually just bored. Maybe you’re engaging in a bit of FAFO with spiritwork. All of these intents aren’t bad per se (though doing spiritwork just to make something happen is asking for trouble), but if you parse out that you’re not really interested in a romantic relationship specifically then this kind of ritual and life path might not be for you. That’s fine, better to be honest with yourself. There’s other magick to do, and plenty of other kinds of spiritwork as well. If you attempt the ritual and all that you get out of it is learning that that’s the case, that’s a great result too.
I usually also recommend you wait a few weeks post-ritual to be sure nothing happened before reattempting in general.
If you have any questions about the process, let me know below. I can always offer my thoughts about any attempts in the comments and help you determine what might have gone wrong. I’m not an expert at ritual design (for now), but I’ve learned quite a lot over the course of my practice and should be able to help you get pointed in the right direction. Good luck! It may not seem like it right now, but when it comes to spirit lovers and spiritwork in general, the summoning is the easy part.
Leave a Reply